Adventures in Mediocrity

This is a midwest classic. I grew up in Kansas and have been eating this since I could chew, and making it since I could see over the stove. It’s best served with mashed potatoes and some kind of bread, but you could do some frou-frou steamed vegetables if you’re weak like that.

Steaks

4 cube steaks
3 Tbs. flour
1 tsp. ground black pepper (fresh is best, just sayin’.)
1 egg, beaten
2 c. Townhouse or Ritz crackers, crushed nearly into powder
Oil, for frying

Start by letting the meat set out for about an hour to take the chill off it. Two reasons: it’ll be more tender once it’s cooked, and it’ll hold more coating. (Coincedentally, you can use ground beef patties instead of cube steaks. Personally I prefer it, but to offer you the recipe that way would be sacrilege, so if you go that route, I had NOTHING to do with it. It was your idea.) Once the meat’s warmed up a bit, get your oil heating in your favorite NON-STICK skillet. (Trust me on this, you’ll HATE clean-up later if you try anything but non-stick.) You’ll want enough oil to cover the bottom of the pan, plus a splash or two extra. If you’re feeling extra saucy, you could use shortening, but that’s a saturated fat, and the health experts say that’s Bad. Heat should be set at medium-high.

Mix the pepper through the flour real quick. Now it’s time to get messy. Take one of the steaks and coat it lightly with the flour. You don’t need to cake it on, as it’s really only there to make the egg stick, which is only there to make the crackers stick. Speaking of, once it’s coated, move it over and dip it in the egg, again, coating it but not slathering it. Finally the crackers. Here’s where you can go nuts and really pile them on. The more you can get to stick, the more fried nom you’ll get to eat. (If you’re using ground beef, be cautious, as the more you squish, the flatter and more fragile your steak will get. Basic physics, but it’s easy to forget in the heat of the moment.) Once you’re satisfied with your coat, plop that sucker into the oil. It should sizzle but not splatter. If nothing happens, turn your heat up. If you have to duck and cover from the spray, turn your heat down.

Now, quickly get another steak coated and in the pan, rinse repeat. My skillet can fit three steaks at once, but fit however many yours can handle. They can be close, but it’s best if they don’t touch. Now you just wait. DON’T TOUCH THEM UNTIL I SAY IT’S OKAY. Keep waiting. Wait…wait…okay, NOW! See? See how the blood’s coming up through the coating? NOW it’s okay to flip them over, but JUST THIS ONCE. Now you wait about two minutes. Has it been two minutes? Okay, now gently press on the steak. Is the liquid clear or still red? If it’s clear, pull ‘em out, they’re done. If it’s red, wait another thirty seconds and check again. When done, the crackers should take on a deep golden color, and all run-off from the meat should be clear. On to the gravy!

Gravy

Pan drippings from the steak
About 2 Tbs. flour
Milk
Salt and Pepper to taste

Okay, the gravy’s one of those things that I never bothered to get measurements for, because it’s a feeling more than a recipe when I make it, but I’ll give you the gist, and then you can fiddle until you get it right.

First, turn the heat down on your drippings to medium, and grab a drink or something while it cools a little. Once you’re re-hydrated, grab a whisk and toss in your flour, salt and pepper. (You can leave out the seasonings and just serve them with the gravy later, if you prefer.) Whisk like you love it until it’s all incorporated into the oil, then keep whisking because stopping the whisk means lumps in your gravy (unless you’re into that sort of thing, idk). Now, start adding the milk. You’ll want to add about a cup at a time. Whisk it until it’s thickened up, then add another cup of milk (or so), keep whisking. Now, at this point you have options. You can either be done, and have a nice thick gravy you can eat with a fork (done it) or you can add more milk to thin it out some. Keep in mind that the gravy will continue to thicken while it sits, so you’ll want it fairly runny if you plan on being able to pour it at all. Think…ketchup thickness for when it’s time to stop with the heat already.

Annnddd…that’s it. This is a very basic, classic recipe with no frills or schmancy tricks. But it’s also authentic, a recipe born in the very heart of Chicken-Fried Everything country, so it’s an excellent jumping off point for all the messing-with-basic-recipes types out there. Oh, uhmm…the steak part serves four, and the gravy should be enough for all four steaks plus the mashed potatoes I told you to serve.